No one cares about me. I don’t care about anyone. I used to care so much about what people thought of me, but no one likes me anyways so who gives a fuck!
So Rae and I were a little bummed that we didn’t get that road trip we have been planning for months, and we wanted to have a legit spring break. The people we were with weren’t very fun people, at least to me. Anyways, when they finally left the room to go down to the hot tub, we grabbed ourselves cups of their Pink Panty Droppers, which are, by the way, my new Spring Break must-have. When we finished we thought we’d go down to the hot tub and as soon as they left the pool to go out, we got ourselves some more fun stuff! Anyways, with two drinks in us, we met a super hot German guy. She’s 17 and I’m 18 but we decided to be 21 year old twins(a cover story we never got to use). He was 29 but he looked no older than 24, none of those eye crinkles you hear about! Ahhh and his accent and the abs. We sat in the hot tub with him, Panty Droppers in hand, and got to talking with him. (He was a Stanford graduate!) Eventually we were sharing drinks and having a ball, even though Rae and I each had to drink two beers, which really isn’t our thing at all. Anyways, we started a hot tub party, being the youngest two there. We met some cool vacation people and got to know the people we were with even more! We met a woman named Mary, although I am surprised we didn’t scare her away, we were pretty drunk by then. She actually was concerned for us and later that night, after we met her family, we found her hanging out behind the corner we were at making sure that we were okay! It was so sweet. We also met a guy named Gabe. He refused to go all the way into the hot tub, despite our drunken insistence. We found out he was married, and I really liked him so I kept talking to him when Rae went back to the German, whose name was not Hans, but should have been. Gabe and I didnt talk forever but I told him the truth about our ages if “shh, he wouldnt tell anyone else!” He was really nice and sweet to me. Usually I am a crazy drunk but for a small portion I became a sad drunk and was bemoaning my life. Lol I even told him i was a virgin when Rae and German started getting handsy,. Anyways he gave me some good advice, but I blatantly ignored it and got out of the hot tub and hopped promptly in next to Rae and the German to and I quote what I said to Gabe “Put an end to it” German had gone out a little earlier and come back with some harder drinks and I had been drinking Gabes, so I had lost like all inhibition, which is really fun when you are stressed anyways. Seeing as Rae had a boyfriend anyways, he was mine. Within a minute after i entered the hot tub again, German and I were standing on the edge of the pool counting to the jump in point. And then in the pool we had a hot make out session, which was awesome if I recall correctly. But you know then he was trying to persuade me to go up to his room with him. “Well you do not even have a bed. You sleep with me” So that had to end. He wasn’t easily swayed so Rae had to pretend to be my lesbian lover to get us out of there! Anyways we ended up becoming friends with a prostitute and the guy she came with and we played ninja/army crawl to watch all that was still going on in the pool and Rae and I ran out with a bottle of wine, which was probably dumb since we had already been yelled at for being too noisy (I kept running into windows) so we had to put that away. At one point the pool boy threatened to call the cops, which had Rae and I running upstairs, drinks sloshing all over, being underage. But idr when that was, its a fuzzy night. But i do remember her telling me to “Lose it! You’ll love sex!” many times in regards to the German and my virginity and telling me that her and Eric have sex all the time, which are things that I will never let her forget.
I know it’s stupid because everyone has people who care about them in their life, but seriously, what’s the point? I can always predict things going wrong for me. That’s because usually, they do. I always wonder how people see me, I’m sure they have can see who I am better than I can. I don’t think I really have much of a worth to my life. I mean we’re all the same aren’t we? I mean God loves me. But He also loves all of you just the same. How can we ALL be special to Him? It’s like if life were endless. Then time wouldn’t be special. There are so many of us, how can we all be truly special to God. And besides that. What about people? How come some are more valuable to people than others? I think that I am the only one who really has anything invested in myself. I’m sick of trying to figure out if people care. And then, since I know that isn’t supposed to be what truly matters, I try to make myself care more about what God thinks. But since we’re all equally special, and therefore not special, what does that matter? This all sounds crazy to me. I look at it, and it sounds like a crazy person in all. But then I look at each individual sentence, and it makes perfect sense. It’s probably the best I’ve described my feelings in a long time. What is the point in life if you don’t matter to anyone? I just don’t know, This isn’t the whole way I feel about it, it’s really kinda inexplicable. But I hate this feeling, this feeling that nothing in life really matters.
someone come watch every episode of Gilmore Girls with me